The
following pieces are the unsent letters to the person who somehow changed my
life. It changed in the sense that I became selfless to abandon my old self who
was full of bitterness in life. However, these letters will remain unsent
because I can see no more reasons to send them.
A Letter From Me to You
(Feb. 23, 2013)
Holding your hands a while
ago looking at your sweet eyes, while I was trying to stop you from reading my
diary, reminds me of a familiar feeling. My heart is melting. It was too hard
for me to admit it. My heart turned into stone years ago but then here comes a
guy in front of me, grappling me, looking at me so sweetly, and telling me
words striking directly my emotions. I am afraid that you will notice what my
heart speaks. I am afraid. I am afraid to be neglected again.
I saw in your eyes that
you really wanted to know what I wrote in “On Valentines Day”. I did not let
you read it because it was you I am pertaining to in that diary. I cannot let
you read it because I do not want to ruin our friendship. I am already happy of
what we have. I wanted to tell you that it was you that I am disappointed with
during the Valentines Day. And that I was expecting that you will do something
special for me. I know, I can feel it that there’s really something special in
us. I felt that we have known each other already for long. Remember the time we
are at MCDO? You asked me of my first impression on you. Although what I told
you was really part of my first impression, but, the truth is I felt that I have
known you before. There was this feeling of security even if we had just met. I
have trusted you already because I felt that trustworthiness in you. You are a true person which I cannot. I
envied you because you spoke what was really in your mind. I adored you for
being true.
I told you that what I
have written was just a childish thing. I was so mad at you because you were
absent during our class. I even did not know where you are. No message from
you. What angered me most was when someone asked me where are you. I could not
understand why I am having that feeling when in fact I have no right on earth
to act that way. That was so stupid. I am so stupid. I know, I am fully aware
that you were just so friendly to everyone. I have to not infer any meaning out
of your actions when we are together. My heart, however, is battling with my
mind. I have to control it because sooner or later I will just experience the
same fate I had.
I wanted to be free as you
are. Need not to be afraid to do things which I think I wanted to happen in my
life. But my responsibilities are pulling me back into the ground. They are
dragging me from flying on my own because everything was planned for me. They
maneuvered the wheel of my life. These responsibilities are the reasons why I
would restrain myself from falling in love. These kept me from enjoying the
feeling of being in love like others were doing.
Falling in love… Am I? I
am happy when I am seeing you. I am irritated when I am not hearing anything
from you even if just a text message. I am hurt when you keep on telling me of
someone you like. I am disappointed when you are pairing me with other guy. I
get interested when you are telling me of what you have been doing in your
past. I get more excited when you are giving new insights. I cannot resist smiling
every time I hear your voice. Am I falling in love with you?
I am now torn
between keeping my promise and letting myself fall for you. I know you are a
good man. You are different from others. I found in you all the traits of a man
I wanted to be with. I felt so secured whenever I am with you. I thank you for
melting the outer core of my heart. I know, very soon, this heart of mine will
turn into pink and would revive my faith in love. It may not lead to you, but
at least you have been part of it. Thank
you so much for the friendship!
REVELATION
March 24, 2013 (11:14PM)
I have guarded my heart
for the past 5 years, until I conceded to the idea of giving myself a chance to
be happy. I do not have the courage to say it personally, but I believe this
letter would suffice the words I could have spoken before you.
For a short period of
time, I had the chance to know you, not that too deep, but at least better. I
would like to thank you for sharing your time, for friendship and for the
trust. It has been my pleasure to share my time with you also. The days that we’ve been together made me let
go of my past. Each moment we’ve shared is like a medicine of my wounded heart.
You made me feel that I am not alone in a place stranger to me. Every time you
opened your life to me is like my life’s lesson. Indeed, I learned a lot from
you which makes me a better person.
You’ve been telling me
that you trusted me that’s why you shared your family life’s background. And I
believed it when you say, before, but not now. Confusion
and uncounted questions are running in my mind. Did you really mean it? TRUSTED
ME?
Your revelation in front
of my friends of what was the real score between you and that girl was really a
nuclear bomb to me. As far as I could remember, there was a time that I asked
you who she really was but then you answered differently… in denial. Why you
denied it? What was your intention? Why you hid the truth from me? We’re
friends right? Or perhaps, one of your casual friends. Had I known it earlier,
I could not have assented to the dictate of my emotions. I could have still
guarded my heart and drew lines between us to avoid things like this from
happening. I could have not gone to the trap. You are so special to me, yes. And
what I have done for you were all from my heart without reservations believing
that I am free to do that and you are also free to accept it.
At least I knew now my
ground to which my foot should be stepping. Perhaps, I had a contributory
liability for being negligent of believing sweet words from you. Those are the
sweetest words I have ever heard in my life. Only to find out that everything
was a lie. Next time, please be careful with your words because you are unaware
that you have already taken one’s life. Yes, you have all the freedom to say
whatever you wanted to speak but make it sure that they are all true so you can
justify the damage.
I decided to burst out my
feelings hoping that it will end here. I could no longer bear the pain of
talking to a person who was all the while lying to me. It hurts so much. I felt
so betrayed. I am not saying that it is your entire fault because I know in my
part that it has been my fault. I have never been so close to a guy like you. I
have never trusted a guy like I trusted you. At the end of the day, I know you
are just being you and I have the choice whether or not to believe in you.
My friendship will never
change for you. I will just be the same person you knew. I will still be
willing to listen to your worries and happiness in life. I will still be
willing to prepare breakfast for you or make a cup of coffee for you. I will
still be willing to take a walk around the town with you in the middle of the
night. All these, I will expect nothing but the honesty inside your heart.
Don’t throw words which you cannot indeed stand firm on it and act on it. Use
your sweet-nothings to everybody, with me as the exception.
This letter would at least
serve for both of us a clearing on each of our footing. I will be glad to hear
from your side. Thank you so much and Godbless.
The Beginning: The End
July 13,2013
Today
is a mark of confession. All that was long kept came out.
Finally,
I had the courage to unload what burdens me for a quite period of time. After
unloading it, I realized that I should have done it earlier so that I won’t be
expecting anymore and thus, I can start a new life. Had I disclosed it earlier,
there could have been no heart that is broken and efforts that were wasted.
It
was not that easy for me. It took me almost five months to gain such courage of
confessing. Five months, fighting for that feeling that I knew right from the
very beginning is genuine. I browsed my unsent letters, and read them all like
I wrote it just recently. Nothing has changed from the day I wrote them up to
now that I once again confirmed the truth.
What
took me so long in telling?
Maybe
because of my pride. I am an old-fashioned woman who is living in a modern
time. It is very difficult to fit yourself with anybody. This is the reason why
I get easily hooked up to anyone who can respect who I am and the way I want to
be. Anyone who can understand my principles and beliefs in life.
I
found him already. But he did not see me yet. He sees me, but doesn’t feel me.
He doesn’t fit with my standards but he brought spark to my life. We shared a
lot of moments that I thought will be the beginning of our story. But I was
wrong. Our supposed story is not really meant to be published. Before the
writer could start writing his novel, he immediately ended our story.
I
decided finally to throw my feelings in the trash and let the time bury them
in doom. I, however, was so glad of his decision even though it was not the way
I wanted to be. I respected him so much. At least I have ended this dilemma and
I can be able to start a new life which is more certain.
I hope that this will be a
forever goodbye of a story that has no beginning, yet has ending.
The Response
July 19, 2013
8:28 PM
“In life, we are always
confronted with different choices. However, we cannot take them all at a time;
either we can choose one among them and disregard the other choices or we can
choose all of them but may require more time which will possibly affect other
activities of our lives. The latter choice may require us more patience, the
former, more courage and strength to stand for it no matter what. Decision is
the key to every choices. Once you have decided, work for it and never
surrender until you achieve the purpose of your decision.”
The above message just
came out of the blue yesterday while reading my Legal Ethics book. I sent them
to my chosen friends and glad some agreed about it, and some just “no comment”.
Tomorrow will be the 1st
week from the day I confessed to him, might be indirectly, my feelings. And
it’s been the 5th day since I
asked for enough time and space to renew myself. I thought he would understand
as he said, yet he is asking me every now and then why I am so cold to him.
Yes, we are in a small world. And how can I avoid him if everywhere I go I can
see him. I admit, I missed our ordinary conversations. I missed our usual
actuations. I missed everything about us.
I did this because I
wanted to keep the word of my decision to put my feelings in the trash and
start a new heartbeat with someone whom I will be deserving and more than
enough for him than his pride. I could still remember the same words came out
from my first love. But unlike before, instead of fighting with him (past) that
I am the only one who can decide who will be deserving for me, I let him
(present) believed what he believes to be in his response to my confession. I do not want to argue anymore
and force myself to someone who is “numb enough to overlook the scenery in his
path”.
The quoted phrase could
mean two different perspective for me. Either it meant his pride has overcome
him or, worst, he really doesn’t feel the way I do. If the latter, he could
have just told me right away just to end the issue, right? I never bothered to
ask the meaning of his response. All I can infer is that I do not deserve
someone like him.
These past few days, I
constantly raised my eyebrows every time he smiles or every time he looks. I
don’t understand those. I hate when he is doing it because I felt like, “what the heck is that all about”, he never
did that before. Or maybe it was just my own interpretation that his gestures
convey something that I do not understand either. I cannot looked at him
straight. Seeing him every day is like a battle. I have to fight offensively or
else I will be hit first by his bullet. I have to fire mine first to disable
him from positioning his.
I wish this dilemma will
end up very soon.
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